school bus

School Bus-ted Yet Again... (Part 2)

If you read part 1, you know that school started for my kids three weeks ago and that thus far their "regular"school bus driver was present and accounted for precisely five of those fifteen school days, having taken a smattering of days off, culminating in a full blown week-long scheduled vacation. This leaves me wondering whether announcing that she was our "regular" school bus driver wasn't referring to her bowel habits and not her work habits.

So today she was back from her vacation. Well, maybe she was. She didn't come back to work though. Is she coming back or isn't she? Did she flee to destinations unknown? I have no idea if school bus drivers have many advancement opportunities but I didn't think they had any embezzlement opportunities.

Meanwhile in her absence, my kids' bus route has had various revolving school bus drivers.

Since I stand like a tree stump blocking the roadway while my children cross over to the door side, I can't really describe the different school bus drivers, but I know they're different. It's not that I can see their faces or anything. I'm both quite short and quite near-sighted. But I know that there have been at least four different drivers. Call it my intense Murder She Wrote  and Columbo training, but I've become quite adept at discerning which left arm I see dangling out of that little school bus driver's window. In those scant three weeks, I have already assessed skin tone, tautness... These are my findings:

All of the arms are female. Two are in their mid-thirties. One is in its late forties. Three appear to be Caucasian limbs. One seems to be African American. One has a tattoo of a rose. One does bicep curls. The others do not. And if any of these women injects Heroin, it's not into her left arm.

Hopefully it will never come to that, but I feel I'd be a competent witness in a police line-up: "Could you have #3 roll up her sleeve please? The other one."

All of the school bus drivers do hand signals to my kids designed to tell them when it's safe to cross. I can do the alphabet in American Sign Language. I know all of the official baseball signs; I know all of the official football signs; and I had a bad case of road rage in NYC that lasted thirty years. But I have no idea what the hell these bus shadow puppet signs are supposed to mean. And more important... neither do my kids.

My kids have been instructed that despite the flashing red lights, the flung out stop sign and their mother barricading the roadway with her body, they are to look up to the school bus driver, awaiting her signs that it is safe to cross. So every day, they step off the bus and look up. Okay, she gave the "stop" sign. Okay, that one's clear. Now it gets sketchy. "Thumbs up". Okay, they're good to go. They start to move forward. Wait. No. The stop sign hand goes up again. (Is this woman even directing them or is she just singing along to a Supremes song on the radio?)

"Thumbs up" apparently wasn't the "Okay to move" sign after all. So my kids rock back into their original positions. This is lovely. Traffic is backed-up three blocks deep. I'm standing in the middle of the street facing oncoming traffic- my headlights playing chicken with their headlights- and there are my kids stutter-stepping and rocking back and forth. One looks like he's doing the cha-cha, one looks like a hobby horse, and the other ran up the back of both of them like it's a Three Stooges routine.

***

Join me next week for more on the Bus STOP! saga. If you've enjoyed this post, I know you'll really like my latest little eBook: Laughing IS Conceivable: From End  of School to Back-to-School (I love my kids. I love my kids. I LOVE MY KIDS!). Available on all Amazons & Free at the Kindle Library.

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School Bus-ted Yet Again (Part 1)

In my newest little  eBook, I have a chapter called: "The School Bus Situation: Because every year there is indeed 'a school bus situation'." This is no exaggeration. My triplets are just starting sixth grade.  The first week of school is always that adjustment period. Teachers are getting to know the kids. Kids are getting to know the teachers. Where do we sit? What time is lunch? Now that they're in middle school there's even more to get used to: Where's my locker? How do I get to my next class? What time does the bell ring? And this period of adjustment extends to the bus drivers. Where's the stop? Who's at the bus stop? What's the bus route? The only difference is: By the end of the first two weeks, teachers and kids have pretty much settled in... and "the school bus situation" is just getting revved up.

Before I get into my bus woes, one might question why we don't just do carpool.  At the moment, it's  just not an option for us and even if it were, this is one of the few things we and our kids can agree on: They have no interest in seeing us pull up to the school and we have no interest in picking them up at the school. (In all fairness to my kids, this is not the time in their lives when mother's unpredictable nature is appreciated... or should I say "predictable nature": We can all guarantee that I would frequently humiliate them with my childlike behavior by waving them over to the car with a hand puppet or putting Flat Stanley in the window or arriving early so I can set up my Peppa Pig play set on the hood.)

As for why we don't want to pick them up: Let me sum it up this way: My kids can't keep from killing each other in a 2-story, 9 room house. How do you think it's going to go on a twenty minute ride in a compact car? And knowing my kids, they wouldn't be deterred from slamming doors just because they'd have to jump out of a moving vehicle first to do it.

Not that the back seat brawl is a bad experience for my husband and me. The radio volume goes up just high enough to drown them out.

Now that you see things my way.... back to "the school bus situation".

This year the kids have to cross over a pretty busy road during rush hour to board their bus. Most parents either let their kids walk to the bus stop alone or they drive to the bus stop a block away and never leave the vehicle. It seems a tad lazy to me, but I'm used to walking miles around NYC so what do I know? I, on the other hand, not only stand there with my kids, but when the bus starts blinking its lights, I inch myself into the intersection so that any vehicle attempting to ignore the lights will have to mow down the little Jewess blocking the roadway to get past. If a vehicle somehow whisks by me, I squint to read the license plate as well as the bumper stickers so I can fully appreciate their intentions.

The first week, we had different bus drivers arriving at different times. The second week, one woman, Kim, proclaimed that she would be our regular driver. On Friday of the second week, my kids stated that Kim had announced that she would be on vacation next week. Vacation? What the hell? Does she need a rest? She's only driven the bus 6 times. The route is one big loop. Did she get dizzy spells from going in a circle and have to lie down for a week? In my illustrious 35 year career of day jobs, I never remember taking a vacation on the third week. Just like when you hear on the news that someone is accused of doing something heinous and they get "suspended with pay". What? You get paid for staying home and watching Monk reruns? How's that a punishment? And more important... Where do I apply?

***Tune in Next Week for Part 2 of "The School Bus Situation". In the meantime: If you'd like to have more laughs at every kid's expense, sign on to my monthly newsletter / take a look at my latest eBook tailor-made for parents at this very time of year:

Laughing IS Conceivable: From End of School to Back-to-School (I love my kids. I love my kids. I LOVE MY KIDS!)

It's available on all Amazons + Free download @ Kindle Library.

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