The Fertile Riff Raff (What? What Did I Say?) (Wednesday)

(Start with "Tuesday" if you can. It's a short post, I promise. Short week, short post, short woman. Apparently I'm shrinking. But nevermind about that.) So what were we talking about? Oh right. The low-life broads who have the audacity to get pregnant before us.

The Clueless 

We're smart women. Many of us eat right and exercise. Don't smoke. Take vitamins. A lot of us are educated. It's a shame none of those things apparently affect your fertility. In fact, they may work against you. Has anyone done a study on pregnancy rates among the clueless? I'll bet they're out of the stratosphere.

Part of this phenomenon, I think, can be explained. Clueless people have a lot of sex.

While we're busy at the library or a museum or the ballet, they're making nice nice. Or if they are at a library, museum or ballet, they're probably having sex in the stacks or in the parking lot with the valet during intermission.

They may know nothing about anything, but even they've figured out that "that goes there". 

Maybe fertility is their gift from Gd  instead of  a brain. Everybody's got something. Nasty people can be physically attractive (if you believe the tabloids about Naomi Campbell) and homely people can be rich. (Look at the British royal family pre-Diana). 

My "favorite" is the clueless girl who keeps getting pregnant over and over. The first child is ten months older than the second and then they start coming closer together. I don't think she has figured out how it all works. She hasn't seemed to make the connection between the beer part and the birth part.

She hasn't realized that every time she and her beau cuddle on the couch with beer and nachos, nine months later she has a baby. Do we really want her to analyze this? "Hm. I keep having these babies. It must be the nachos."

So she does away with the only innocent party in this: The nachos, instead of what she should really be getting rid of:  The couch. And the beer. And definitely, the beau. 

Then there are those who don't even know they're pregnant. She was out roller blading one day, had a twinge in her side, went to the emergency room, and had a twelve pound person yanked from her loins.

I totally understand that some women don't have regular periods to start with so they don't notice missed ones.

I also completely see how the first couple of months you may not catch on if you don't feel queasy. Or notice a little weight gain later on. (Could be baby fat or just Burger King fat?)

But somewhere down the line, you'd think you'd know if you were harboring another whole human being inside your body!  Unless of course....You're Clueless......

Listen, I gotta go. My husband and I just took pictures of ourselves at the photo booth at the mall and I have to get mine retouched. I'll talk to ya tomorrow.