(During our big barbecue bash now thru Memorial Day, May 27, 2013 a few bucks have been burned off the retail price of my ebook to a scant $1.99 Click book cover to the right or http://licthebook.com) If you haven't visited this grilling bash yet start from the introduction below. If you're just looking for the newest material, scroll down. Each new entry will have a row of bold asteriks above it.
If you've been following this Laughing IS Conceivable blog (and if you haven't...I'll get over it.. and welcome) you know that I love Memorial Day Weekend. If you're not from the U.S. and you don't know what Memorial Day weekend is all about, it's just what it sounds like: Brave men and women fought and died for our freedom in wars throughout the ages so that generations to come could buy bras on sale and eat with plastic utensils as we get 3rd degree sunburns and watch our neighbor drive around the cul-de-sac on his lawn mower with a beer in each hand and a toddler on his lap.
So the reason why I love the long weekend is because the tradition at this blog is to focus on grilling of a different kind. All year, good, hard-working, honest infertile individuals and couples are trying to have a baby. As if it weren't enough to go through the physical aspect of it all and the emotional aspect of it all...staring at calendars, going through tests, being probed, being referred to a specialist, then a different specialist, being told everything looks fine and nobody knows why you're not pregnant or everything doesn't look fine, and needles, surgery, financial ruin....As if all that weren't enough...NOW you have to deal with people!
People close to you. People almost close to you. People who used to be close to you. People who wish they were close to you. People you couldn't pick out of a three person line-up.
All of a sudden you're a Kardashian. Everyone feels entitled to know every minute detail of your most personal business.
"Don't you want kids?" "Aren't you trying?" "Do you have enough sex?" "Did you go to the doctor's appointment?" "What did she say?" "Are you taking those supplements I gave you?" "Your sister has three kids, why don't you have any?" "Have you called Dr. Oz like I told you? Or Dr. Phil?" "Is it because you're too fat?" "Is it because you're too skinny?" "Why, why why?!"
So for the next two weeks as we do every year around here, we'll use this wonderful American tradition of barbecueing to turn the paper tableclothed tables on those who have grilled us all year long. How sweet revenge is especially with grill marks, slathered in barbecue sauce with a side of slaw. So stack up those styrofoam plates. And get ready to do some serious grilling. There will be some new posts & older ones. And who knows? Maybe this year, we'll even singe some eyebrows.
And, of All the People Who've Grilled You All Year About Your Baby-Making, Whom Would You Most like to Grill and Why? Please Share with Us!
So Here Comes the First Victim/Dinner Guest.... Marietta Besides the usual BBQ fare: Hotdogs, hamburgers, and ribs... I think it would be a good idea to throw some neighbors on the barbie. Afterall, a lot of them have no problem grilling us all year long. ("When are you going to have kids? Are you trying to get pregnant? Did I tell you my sister's pregnant with her third?")
So, maybe on Memorial Day Weekend, we should invite our nosiest neighbor over for a barbecue, scrape a spatula under his or her ass and flip 'em onto the grill.
"Hey look! Here comes Marietta! Hi Marietta! Come on up!... So, Marietta. It's really great to see you. There's been something I've been meaning to ask you...
I noticed the other day that you had your boobs done. I mean, they look nice and everything but they don't really go with your body.
I mean your body moves in all directions and your boobs only look forward. Like, look right now. You're sitting down and your boobs are still standing up.
And I don't mean to be the one to bring the whole thing up, but I figure you want everyone to look at them because you wore a bikini top to my barbecue and we don't have a pool and you can see my backyard from your backyard so I'm thinking you totally know that we don't have a pool and you can't be coming from your pool because, look, there's your backyard right there...No pool.
Unless you're planning to go somewhere afterwards to swim, but you don't really look like you're planning to budge from my adirondack chair any time soon.... Pass me some hotdog buns, would you please?...
Speaking of buns, you didn't have a boob job to keep people from looking at your ass did you? I mean if you're going to have plastic surgery, you probably shouldn't leave your ass behind...sorry for the pun... I mean, just look... there's like a twenty year age difference between your boobs and your ass.
I hope you're planning to rectify...I mean take care of that. I mean, it's just not fair to the rest of us. We have to see you every day. Could you at least wrap a sweater or something around it until you can get it taken care of?
My husband's really near-sighted and he looked out the window the other morning and said: 'Hey look at this. Marietta's walking her dog. I didn't know she had a dog.'
And I said 'what dog? She doesn't have a dog. And I ran over to the window and sure enough it was your ass you were dragging along the driveway."
Check back during the week, as we add more nosy neighbors, friends, and family to our giant Memorial Day barbecue bash. And remember, the ebook is available for $1.99 through Monday May 27th. http://licthebook.com And don't forget to share with us the person who's been grilling you about your babymaking whom you'd like most to see grilled and why.
Hey Look who's coming to the barbecue now. It's Cindy from work. Hey Cindy come on up! Come join the party! You know Cindy, every Monday morning when I see you, the first thing I always say to you is: "So, how was your weekend?" and the first thing you always say to me is: "So how are the fertility treatments going?"
I mean, that's fine. I'm glad you're interested in my future off-spring, but you know, even infertile people have weekends. I wouldn't mind telling you about my trip to the mall or washing the car once in a while. And by the way, as long as we're all here grilling this weekend...I've always been curious: What exactly do you do at the company where we work? I do know that you keep a very tight schedule. I mean you come in at 8:20 every morning. The rest of us start at 8 and work until 5. I suppose maybe you work the 8:20 to 5:20 shift. It's just that we all leave at 5 and well, your parking spot is already stone cold as if it hasn't been touched in hours.
So you arrive at 8:20 and have breakfast until 9:30 each morning. Then you do all your morning phone calls. Typically on your cell phone. To all of your friends from high school whom you just reconnected with on Facebook thirty seconds ago. I'm not thinking those are business calls. I mean I hear a lot about prom dresses and prom dates and our company doesn't sell either of those. And then I've passed by your cubicle a few times and smelled nail polish (isn't hands-free great?) which is weird because we don't work for a cosmetics company. On the other hand we don't work for an agricultural company so I can't see how playing YoVille could even remotely be part of your job description. So when your morning calls are completed at 10:15, it's time for your morning coffee break at which time you and your mug make your way around the office to catch up on the latest gossip. Then at 10:45 it's lunch time....until approximately 2. It's funny, most of us barely have enough time to find our sandwich in the refrigerator and eat it in the cafeteria but you seem to have time to go home, take a nap, and sometimes keep a beauty parlor appointment. You've bragged to us about the nap but never mentioned the beauty parlor but it's hard to miss someone coming to work in the morning with short blond hair and going home in the afternoon with long black hair. And then, and this I find most confusing of all Cindy, I overheard you tell Maureen at the reception desk that your hair was "natural". Natural? How could your hair possibly get 5 shades darker and 6 inches longer over lunch? Well I am impressed how much you can get done in just one work day. I guess all that I want to know is: How do you stay employed? Oh, wait...No, I don't think I really want to know.
"Hey look who's come to get barbecued...I mean, look who's come to our barbecue! Of course. Yes. That's what I meant.... It's Aunt Stella! Nice hat, Aunt Stella, I hope it doesn't attract bees...but what can you do? Speaking of "buzz" Aunt Stella. I've heard through the grapevine you're telling all the relatives that I don't have kids yet because Jim and I haven't really been trying. Oh, we've been trying Aunt Stella. Trust me. In fact, we've even "tried" in the woods behind your house two weeks ago. Remember we all got together for Mother's Day and Jim and I drifted away for a walk. Well, we weren't walking...We were "trying". We said we were going out for some air but actually we were gasping for it. But anyway... It's really not nice to make things up. I mean it's one thing to do it about your own immediate family...like when you said your daughter Susie was going away to secretarial school. I thought that was weird. I mean, I don't know that girls go away to secretarial school anymore. But anyway we all just went along with it and sure enough, six months later Susie came home from "secretarial school" with a baby and still could type only 10 words a minute with one finger just like she did when she was in my typing class in tenth grade. And then there was that story about your son, Brian. You keep saying he owns a chain of stores across the Country and lives in a big house in Texas. That just doesn't add up. I mean, Brian and my sister were in some of the same classes in high school and I remember her saying that he was...well somewhat of an imbecile. And I remember he was always getting into trouble. So it's possible. He may have turned his life around. I hope that's the case. I really do. And I'm not saying you're making the whole story up about the chain of stores around the Country and the big house in Texas. I'm just wondering if maybe he held up a chain of stores around the Country and is living in "the big house" in Texas.
Hi Cousin Klepto! I mean Cleo! Glad you could make it before the barbecue's over! Come on up! There's a seat available right by the grill! Nice bracelet you have there. Last Thanksgiving, when you left our house, one of grandma's sterling silver forks was missing. Who would have thought that it would turn up six months later wrapped around your wrist? Well, there's another cold case solved. You know, kleptomania is a disorder and I would never be one to make fun of someone's disorder, but I'm pretty sure you don't have kleptomania. I mean I remember studying about it in my psychology class and kleptomaniacs usually are ashamed of what they've done and don't usually stand up at Thanksgiving tables, hold up diamond earrings and yell: "Hey, everybody. Look what I got for nothing!" Normal people work for what they want and wait for sales and use coupons. So I don't think you're a klepto...Greedy and lazy maybe. Or maybe if you have an "illness" it's that you're addicted to hearing alarms go off as you leave a store which has a positive side sort of. You wouldn't get any exercise at all if it wasn't for running through parking lots dodging store security. I saw your picture on the wall by customer service at Macy's the other day with the "missing" posters. I thought you finally got some sense and decided to "disappear". Then I realized that next to your picture were photos of an iPad and a sterling silver tea set (quite an accomplish shoving that in your bra I must say). So while you're not "missing", their merchandise is and that explains why your picture's on their wall. This is about the fourth store wall I've seen your picture prominently displayed on and every time I see it, I don't even have to read the caption to know you're not the "employee of the month".
(Remember, as part of this Memorial Day Barbecue Bash, my ebook over there to the right is only $1.99 thru today 3/27 http://licthebook.com)