Too Anti-Social for Social Media

I think I'm not a huge fan of most social media because I'm not a sharer. And I have no interest in taking pictures of myself and have no idea why anybody does... No matter what they look like. Of all the sites, Facebook is still the most stressful. I don't want to play games with anybody. I don't want to see pictures of my friends' cousins. I don't want to "like" what they "like". I just like to know my old elementary school friends are still alive. If they're hanging on, I guess I'm not that old. When they start to kick off, I'll probably close my account.

Facebook is too much of a commitment for me. If you're not on it all the time, you miss stuff. Like the other day, a woman I used to work with posted that she was doing much better. Better from what? I had to scroll all the way down to see that a few days before, she'd mentioned going into the hospital for surgery. But I couldn't figure out what she was having altered, removed or put back in.

Everybody's comments were useless. "Good luck!" "You'll be fine!" How does that enlighten me in any way? People should be required to post comments with a backstory:  Information for those of us who tuned in late. Something like: "They say you don't really need your appendix anyway." Or "I don't see why you really needed to have your butt lifted. I think it looked just fine where it was."

When people post their business on FB it's like a soap opera. If you haven't seen it in a while, you have to catch up. With this ex-coworker, it's aggravating. I  feel like just posting: "Carolyn, what did you have done? If it's too long to write out again, could you just tell me what date you posted the details? Or, if Carolyn's not conscious, could someone else please fill me in?"

I want to know the nitty-gritty partly because I'm a yenta, but also so I can comment without sounding like an idiot. It's too risky to guess: "Now that you finally had that extra toe taken off,  I can tell you: Those people who ran screaming from the beach didn't really see a shark."

Only to have the next person comment: "That is so cruel to say right after someone just had heart surgery. What kind of a person does that???!!! Carolyn, I think that toe is adorable! Haters gonna hate!! You have plenty of REAL friends!"

Another option, when I'm digging for dirt is to scan down the list of commenters and see if I know any of them. "Annette... She probably remembers me. She'll tell me what's going on with Carolyn." Yeah, that once backfired on me big time. The private message I sent didn't turn out to be private and got sent to everyone including the person I was trying to get the 411 on. Oh, if only I hadn't written:  "I see Denise doesn't use her married name anymore on her profile: Fk's up with that? Did she finally ditch the whore?" Somehow  Denise misinterpreted my good intentions.

If I still can't find out what's going on with Carolyn, I could probably bullshit my way through it like I'm sure that "Good Luck!" person did: "I'm praying for you!" "I'm thinking about you!" "You'll be fine!" "You're a strong person!" "I don't think I could handle it as well as you!"

I think I just found a new career for myself: "Generic Social Media Comment Writer." I can find you a non-committal, well-meaning, meaningless remark for all of your posting needs. I can even provide you with a keyboard shortcut: "For someone going through what you are- You look great!" Control 7.

And if I can't find out what's going on with Carolyn, I'll just "like" her post like every other loser who doesn't know what she's talking about and is too afraid to ask... or is just too lazy to type a few words and a couple of exclamation points.