(Start with "Tuesday" if you can. I'll gladly pay you on Friday for the blog you read from Tuesday... Okay, if you don't know Popeye, you must think I've either lost my mind or I'm blogging in code to keep the CIA from infiltrating this post.) So, what were we talking about? Oh right. In honor of Martin Luther King Jr., we're discussing this week everything we, the infertiles, have to overcome. Like husbands/wives/partners/spouses who have the nerve to want to touch us... whenever.
*Disclaimer: This post will be rated "PG-13" for kissy-kissy talk. As opposed to my usual posts which are rated "R" for extreme but necessary profanity.
What do we want to overcome?! Only Touching When Told To! When do we want to overcome it?! Now!
Okay, so you're going through infertility. So when was the last time you said to your boyfriend, husband, lover boy, stud muffin:
"Hey bring that face over here. I want to lick your eye balls."? OR
"Hey look at you in those jeans. I don't know if they're pepperoni pizza or meatball hero, but you got some Hot Pockets there Mister. And boy could I use a snack!'" OR
"I just filled up the tub. Ready for a little snorkelin'?" OR
"You potato chip. Me guacamole. Wanna dip?"
No, most of us don't say those things anymore. Now we just say: "It's time! Come on, let's go go go go!"
(Or in my case: "Yo, let's move it! Not getting any younger over here, ya know!)
Sex is rarely sexy with a calendar in one hand and an ovulation predictor kit in the other:
"Hey, hold up. We can't do that until the twenty-first! Okay, that we can probably do now. No, no. I said that was okay, not this. Yeah, like once we start doing this, you're not going to want to do that. Yeah right."
The after-chatter has probably changed too. No more: "That was so nice. Want to rest a while and then see what happens? Never know...." to:
"Okay, you did what you set out to do. Now get off of me, will ya? I have to go pee on a pregnancy test. Come on. I'm not kidding. Let me out of here!... Watch some Star Trek or something...........What are you following me into the bathroom with the can of Redi-Whip for? Go find yourself some ice cream to put it on. I'm busy!"
During treatments you're given a bunch of romantic instructions: "Save it up before you have to give the sample. You can let some swim out. Maybe not every night." So sometimes you don't feel like letting him let any out, but tomorrow you can't...so, oh well... may as well."
Before you go for infertility treatments, medical professionals and lay people alike (did I just say "lay"? I feel like I'm on "Family Guy") always told us: "Have as much sex as possible." That can be fun for a minute or two.
Then you realize that' it's like being told to run amok in the Hershey factory. Sounds great... then you're over it. Especially if you were told to run amok in the Hershey factory because it would give you a perfect body that would last forever. The long-term pay-off is fantastic.........But you're no longer eating the chocolate just because it's delicious.
Listen, I gotta go. I've been kvetching for a while about the continuing saga of my dental woes: "Heavy lies the tooth that needs a $1200 crown". So today I must set up my appointment for the root canal. They're going to dig until they either find a new credit line or until they get to China...All I can say is: I hope my endodontist knows some Mandarin.
Speaking of which: Check out Kevin Haney's article about infertility insurance and some tax tips in the "Non-Health" Experts. http://laughingisconceivable.com/?page_id=1623
I'll talk with ya again tomorrow.