...What Would You Say to the "Parents"?

Last week I wrote about: If you KNEW you were going to be pregnant tomorrow, what might you say to your doctor. This is Part 2: If you KNEW you were going to be pregnant tomorrow, and everything was going to be fine and you'd never have infertility issues again... What would you say to all of your friends with children?

You know, all of the ones you've either shied away from for so long because you couldn't stand to hear all of their mommy conversation or half-assed the relationship with them because you still wanted to maintain a friendship but couldn't bring yourself to tell them that you wanted to either run off and cry or key their arm every time they brought up the agony of baby showers, breastfeeding, diapers, sleepless nights, birthday parties, field trips, play dates, or back-to-school shopping.

So now your time has finally come. Whether through a hunch, an inkling, a visitation from a dead relative, a fortune teller, or, I can't see how but--- your fertility doctor-- you KNEW that you were so definitely going to be pregnant tomorrow... and all would be well... and everybody lived happily ever after. So now what? Sure you have to get out all of that mirth. You'll dance around the kitchen for a while with your husband/spouse/partner/significant other or neighbor who just happened to be passing by and noticed you were in the kitchen high-fiving a spatula.

Then you'll call everyone you know, post the picture of you holding the blank, new right-out-of-the-box pregnancy test with you pointing and writing the caption: "POSITIVE!!!" because nobody can ever see what they say anyway and people just as soon take your word for it than stare at something you've urinated on. So now that the mirth is out of the way, now what? "Vengeance is mine" saith the former infertile woman. It's your turn. Make it good.

First I think baby showers are in order. Not just one... A string of them. One for each one you've been invited to during your infertility days. And it makes no difference whether you actually attended the event or stayed home and had a tawdry threesome under the covers with Ben & Jerry. And no Target or Bye-Bye Baby. Absolutely not. You'll register at Neiman Marcus. These people have hurt you. Now they must pay.

They also spent a lot of time upsetting you with pictures of their child. So you will return the favor. Show them your pictures... All of them... Starting from the beginning: The very beginning... before conception even. They've always been curious about if you were trying to get pregnant all that time or how you were going about it, so now may be the perfect time to share: Send along photos of you waiting in line at the specialty pharmacy; of you handing over your graduation ring to the cashier as partial payment; photos of your needles in the bathroom as you prepare to shoot-up; photos of you putting ice on your butt; and don't forget photos of your twice, sometimes thrice weekly blood tests and your weekly uterine lining exams... from the doctor's vantage point. (If you didn't think to take photos while going through the process, you can always simulate them now.)

And for the final celebratory coup de gras, give them just a snippet of how annoying they've been talking about their children non-stop while you were in pain. Say the word "baby" at least once in every sentence in every conversation: "So, hey Lisa baby. When I have this baby, I hope I don't baby it too much." Do it every day until the baby is born. Then you can substitute "baby" for their actual name... and continue torturing them.


(Thanks a lot for stopping by. Infertility is such a sucky time. I hope you feel just a little bit better than when you got here. Please take a look at my little eBook written during my infertility/IVF experience: Laughing IS Conceivable: One Woman's Extremely Funny Peek into the Extremely Unfunny World of Infertility. It's been downloaded by thousands of infertility sufferers & professionals who are looking to de-stress from the toll infertility takes on all who have been near it. 4.5 stars/66 reviews. http://laughingisconceivable.com or click the Book Cover icon above.)