When I Have Kids, I Won't Be So Lame (Monday)

As you have undoubtedly seen already, I've decided to call this week's posts: "When I Have Kids, I Won't Be So Lame". I'm sort of taking the liberty of speaking for all of those going through infertility. Let people in the fertile world take it as a threat, a promise, or as one of your New Year's Resolutions. I've been touching upon this subject for the past few weeks: How lame people we know get around the holidays. I know that when I was going through infertility, there were plenty of times when I didn't want to be around my friends with kids... either I was just too damned depressed or too damned jealous.

But on those days when I felt a bit stronger and independent and my mind wasn't as clouded by the raging self-injected hormones... I thought: You know, I can learn from their mistakes. (Maybe not mistakes--maybe just boring habits) Let me make some mental notes here on: "What I don't want to subject people to during the holidays when I have kids." 

Number one on that list:  After your parents asking: "Do you want to get a beating?" The next most obviously rhetorical question would be: "Want to see pictures of my kids?"

I mean the second the "question" is asked you've lost. First of all, nobody ever asks without actually having the photo already in their hand or up on the computer screen or phone. So what could you say then: "Ew,  no, put that away"? or "I'd love to but my religion doesn't permit me  to look at photos. We believe it's a form of idol worship." 

Those of us with fertility issues think people are inconsiderate of our feelings. But I promise you: It's not just us. People are so proud and bursting with their own family business, they're inadvertently inconsiderate of everybody's feelings. They're going to force that photo on you as if their life depended on it. Yes, if you're having difficulties getting pregnant a baby photo can cut like a knife. Doesn't mean most fertile people who are no relation to the baby want to suffer through it either. 

So, that's one area I find parents to be lame in around the holidays and that I'll ramble on about  this week. 

Then there's tipping anyone and everyone surrounding their child: Teachers, the school secretary, the assistant girl scout leader, coaches: "Here's twenty dollars Coach Davis. I'm sure you'll agree that Jamie should play more in the 2011 season. Merry Christmas."

Then there are those greeting cards that show up in the mailbox that don't stand up, with their kids photos plastered all over them that leave you wondering: "Did she just pick the worst photos of the bunch...or does this poor kid really have such unfortunate hair?"

Listen, I gotta go. Only five days left to avoid the stores. Well, five if you count days left to buy every single thing off the shelves. Six if you count the day after when everything's returned and put back.

I'll talk with ya again tomorrow.