Which Will Come First: Their Breakthrough or Our Breakdown? (Friday)

(Start with "Monday" if you can. If you're in the U.S., you probably have a three day weekend  so you have all the time in the world to read and re-read and re-re-read and re-re-re-read (I can't get my engine to turn over) my blog.) So, what were we talking about? Oh right.  Infertility breakthroughs so fantastic that I wrote an entire post yesterday dedicated to something I still have no idea what the hell I was talking about. How very rare for me.

Another new development in the wonderful world of infertility is a calculator that predicts how successful you're going to be with in-vitro (IVF) before actually going for treatments.  

A calculator. Great. I have a hard enough time trying to figure out all of the medical mumbo jumbo thrown at us, why not let's toss some math into the mix and put me into a deep mental fog from which I'll likely never emerge? I'll be living inside a perpetual head cold. But this calculator does sound intriguing....

So, this is how it goes.  A couple of doctors, one from England, one from Scotland, analyzed 144,018  IVF cycles (and I thought my doctor's waiting room was crowded...damn... That's a lot of copies of 'Parenting" magazine). Then they took the data and came up with nine handy-dandy multiple choice questions for us  to answer.

Then the calculator does some calculating, and presto chango you find out what your chances are of conceiving through IVF before you've plunked down a mint of money, or lain on an egg retrieval table, opened your knees and said "aaaaah".

The calculator is easy enough to access at  ivfpredict.com. It's also available with Smartphone in case you're stopped at a light and want to check the traffic report and your IVF forecast.

Okay, so no secrets. Here are the questions they ask:

1) Age:

The choices are between 18 & 50.  If you put in "below 18" the calculator says: "Shouldn't you be in school?" If you put in "over 50" it says: "Shouldn't you be in Florida?"

2) Trying For:

First I thought "A baby you moron. Hello?". Then I realized they wanted to know how long I was trying to conceive. I felt weird telling a calculator that. It gave me the same feeling as when I was working alone at an answering service during college and a guy called one night and asked me what size pantyhose I wore.

3) Own or Donor Eggs?  

This question made me feel like I was applying for a credit card: "Eggs: Own or Rent?"

4) Cause:

Okay, there are only seven multiple choice answer options available. I'm thinking this should be an essay question. Especially since my issue wasn't covered under the seven. Nothing even close: No "age-related", "old eggs", "waited too long to get married", "gravity brought ovaries to my knees... literally", "Not playing with a full dozen", "Eggs past expiration date".... Nothing.  

5) (Number of)  IVF Attempts:   

Why does that sound like "suicide attempts" to me? Could it be because every time you have to start another round of IVF you want to jump out of a window, slit your wrists, pop a barrel of pills, and shoot yourself?

6) (Number of) Unsuccessful Attempts: 

Well, we're all here. So I guess they all were unsuccessful. Both IVF and suicide. 

7) Pregnancy History:

Once upon a time, there was a couple named Adam and Eve.... and they went to the Farmer's Market to get some ribs and one golden delicious. Oh, you mean, my pregnancy history...  

Well, there are a couple more questions but that's the gist of the calculator. 

So maybe you'll click on your answers, take the results to heart, and follow what the calculator tells you...putting all of your eggs in one basket as it were.

Or maybe you'll just treat the calculator like a ouija board. Yeah, maybe you'll give it a try. Just for the heck of it. Kind of a fun parlor game.

Because if you took it seriously, you might never sleep again.

Listen, I gotta go. The Australian Open tennis is starting in a few days and I've got to go to sleep now so I can get up and watch it at 3am a week from next Tuesday. That seems to work every year. I'm not sure how either.

I'll talk with ya again on Tuesday.