Which Will Come First: Their Breakthrough or Our Breakdown? (Tuesday)

(Start with "Monday" if you can.  If you're somewhere in the U.S. where there's a big snowstorm, nothing will keep you warm like some infertility humor, and hot cocoa, and your blankie, and your cozy pajamas, and your warm socks and favorite slippers and your favorite loverboy or girl... okay, you really don't need the damn blog do you?...   But if you like it anyway... please subscribe... it's free, easy.. and the weekly emails are informative and sometimes even mildly entertaining)   So, what were we talking about? Oh right. New developments in the world of infertility. One thing going on right now is a discussion on ovary freezing. Well, why not? It's winter and it's cold. If guys are freezing their nuggets off, we should have something to freeze also. Okay, you're right. It probably isn't what the doctors have in mind.

Last May, there was a young woman, thirty-two, who had a baby. Big deal. Who cares? What was so miraculous was that she had some major cancer twelve years ago. Before she started cancer treatments, which she was told would leave her infertile, she had doctors remove an ovary and toss it into their freezer between a Snickers bar and a can of Coke that had exploded.

So, fast forward twelve years. Now that she was cancer-free and ready to have a baby, the doctor took her ovary out of the freezer (the Coke mess is still there by the way) put it under his armpit to warm it up a bit and then unzipped the woman and slipped her ovary back inside.

I wonder if her other ovary then looked over and said: "It's about time. Where the hell have ya been? What is that an icycle hanging off of ya?"

I can imagine the jealousy in her reproductive system. The other ovary, her uterus, her tubes, all had gone through cancer treatments. They were thirty-two years old and felt like sixty. And here comes this damn ovary twelve years later: Perky, well-rested, and not a day older than when it left.

I should have frozen my face twelve years ago. I'm at the point now where every month I look six months older.  Ten years ago people thought I looked ten years younger than I was.  Five years ago, people thought I looked my age. Now they just say: "I hate to guess. Please don't make me guess. I'm really no good at guessing." Nobody ever says that unless they know they're in a no-win situation. They're saying in their heads: "Geez this is terrible. There's not one thing I can say that she could ever forgive."        

So the idea behind this whole freezing your ovaries thing when you're in your twenties is: To prevent age-related infertility- Freeze your ovaries now in case you don't want children until you're forty.  So what's the book on this breakthrough going to be called?:

"Twenty-Twenty Hindsight Infertility" Or "My Crystal Ball and Me: Secrets to My Fertility"

I mean this woman who went through the cancer treatments- okay, freezing her ovary made perfect sense. She knew what she was about to endure. But what twenty year old is going to say: "I think I won't get married until I'm thirty-five and I probably won't want children until I'm forty-one, so I think I'll have some surgery and freeze one of my ovaries for twenty years."?

Then what? She'll go to a club that night (non-alcohol of course because she's underage), meet the love of her life and call the doctor the next day: "You know that ovary you took out of me yesterday? I need it back."  Or if it's a particularly immature twenty year old: "Hi. I was at the hospital yesterday. I think I left my ovary there by accident. You didn't happen to find it did you?"

I can't really see a healthy single twenty year old- with infertility as the last thing on her mind--going to have such a surgery. I could see some twenty year old chatting to her girlfriends online about whether they thought it was a good idea for her to have organs removed to give her a flat stomach so she could fit into a pair of size two jeans.  

Listen, I gotta go. The snow's really coming down now. I'm going to run outside with a vat of liquid fruit flavor and turn my backyard into one humongous snow cone. It's true. I can see an edible opportunity in almost everything.

I'll talk with ya again tomorrow.