Which Will Come First: Their Breakthrough or Our Breakdown? (Wednesday)

(Start with "Monday" if you can. I appear to be rambling even more than usual this week. Maybe you can edit down my Monday and Tuesday posts and let me know what you come up with.) So, what were we talking about? Oh right. A new medical breakthrough for women who try to conceive at an older age. Until recently: "Freezing Your Ovaries" just meant attending a football game in January wearing a mini-skirt in a domeless stadium.

 There are all kinds of infertility breakthroughs on the horizon. One is determined to level the playing field for larger women.

Okay, so see if you follow this. It took me about eight times but I sense that I'm slower than most. Women who are very big sometimes have a harder time getting pregnant than the slimmer gals. Okay...I'm with me so far.... But now, doctors have realized that if both a smaller woman and a big woman have fertility problems and go for treatments, there's a way to alter the treatments so that the slim one doesn't have any advantage in trying to conceive over the bigger one. Wait, I lost me... No, I got it. Yeah, I'm definitely back.

Some studies were conducted and doctors found that if a woman is bigger and has a higher BMI (Body Mass Index) she needs a higher concentration of hormones for the drugs be as effective as they would be for an average size woman. So when they gave the larger ladies the higher doses, voila! just as many got pregnant as their bony counterparts. 

Okay, so now we've learned that if you're skinny, it takes less for a drug to take effect than if you're obese.... One question: Don't any of these researchers drink?

I mean, I don't drink but even I know that a 105 pound wisp of a girl gets drunk a lot faster than a 205 pound well-rounded broad. Okay...I admit...not always... I've known some emaciated girls who can drink all night. I think it's because: What they lack in body mass, they make up for in alcoholism.    

Of course women who are too skinny also frequently have trouble conceiving for the same reason as obese women: Irregular ovulation. So, what do doctors do for the teeny, tiny, scrawny women? Maybe they do like my Uncle Sidney did for me when I was seven years old and I had a fever. Maybe doctors give them half a pill and try to hide it in a grape. (Though I don't remember hearing that Bayer aspirin does much for infertility.)   

One thing I just couldn't get past in the article: It kept saying that the study compared: "obese women" to "normal women". Not normal size... "normal women" . I'd like to set one thing straight. When you're going through infertility, there are no normal women. There are only raving lunatics, freaked out maniacs, and stressed-out nutjobs. 

I venture to guess that most going through treatments aren't normal weight for that matter either. 

I seem to recall hormoning my way up and down the scale several times during my treatments. You're either so depressed you eat or you're so stressed out you don't eat.  Forget about seeing how increasing doses of hormones affects pregnancy success rates.

Can we do a study to see how pregnancy success rates are affected by self-medicating with a couple of daily pints of Haagen-Dazs? Yeah I'd like to see how many women get pregnant after following a shot of Gonal-F with twelve tablespoonfuls of chocolate chocolate chip.   

I can just see how the research would go: Twenty women undergoing fertility treatments are ushered into a room behind a two-way mirror. They are given unopened pints of Haagen-Dazs (which, by the way, are only fourteen ounces now.)

Ten are given full pints of ice cream (which, by the way, are still only fourteen ounces)  The other ten are given empty containers. Neither group is told if they're eating out of the full containers or the empty ones....Wait, I lost me again.

Listen, I gotta go. I live in an odd state. For the next two days, due to the snow:  The schools are closed, the government offices are closed, everything is canceled. Which would be fine.... except that not one flake has fallen from the sky yet. I think someone should tell the powers that be that the emperor has no snow.     

 I'll talk with ya again tomorrow.