(Start with "Monday" if you can. You'd better do it. This week is about going nuts. If you don't read every word, people will know it's because you think I mean you.) So, what were we talking about? Oh right. How the only way to ever improve yourself as a human being is to blame all of your shortcomings on others.
I'm setting out this week to point the finger of blame at those responsible for our infertility insanity. So, here's the question at hand:
"Who deserves the finger?"
Frankly, I never cared for that expression: "Partner". It always reminds me of "Howdy Pardner" which makes me feel like my husband and I should be lassoing something on the Ponderosa.
It also sounds completely un-romantic. I've had bridge partners, tennis partners and business partners. Never slept with any of 'em. Unless you count...nevermind.
I prefer to slightly modify the title and introduce my husband to people as my groping partner.
It gives people a vivid visual into the true nature of our relationship, while allowing me to stare at their throat to see how well they control their gag reflex.
Anyway, whatever you call that person you nibble at night, they're the one to blame for your infertility insanity.
I'll never question the amount of angst that men feel during infertility...no matter who in the relationship is diagnosed as infertile.
But if the woman has "the problem", he will likely remain sane... while she goes diving head first into Lake La La.
On Day One, my husband and I were both sent for tests. Mine entailed holding my urine for several hours. His entailed visiting the dark room at the way, way, back of the video store.
Medical professionals encouraged him to let it out with a smile on his face. They encouraged me to hold it in with a painful wince on mine.
I spent the morning with John, the cold-handed tech who ran red dye #2 up my fallopians, through my small intestine, under my lungs, and out my eye sockets. (I think his degree was from the University of Mapquest).
My husband spent his morning with his two new best friends: Booby Brown and her magician pal Davida Coppafeel. (He wouldn't tell me if she really did magic or just tricks.)
He then returned to the clinic with the fruits of his "labor" and waited while somebody tossed his cupful (or maybe half a cupful) under a microscope.
My diagonosis: "Your tubes are clear. Let's schedule another dozen or so tests to see what else could possibly be very wrong with you."
His diagnosis: "These are the most perfect sperm I've ever seen in my life. They're handsome, virile, athletic."
So I'm whipping out my calendar, and trying to figure out how I'm going to stop my life for several weeks for my next battery of tests.
While all around me my husband's sperm are high-fiving each other, having just been inducted into the clinics's Sperm Hall of Fame.
We had entered the fertility clinic for the first time in our lives on a Monday morning.
By Tuesday afternoon, my husband's internal parts had been cleared of all charges of wrongdoing, thus completing their commitment to the infertility program.
As promised when we initially signed all of the paperwork, he received his sanity back as he passed through the clinic door.
And all eyes turned back to me.
So maybe it's not actually the partner's fault that we go nuts and they don't.
And, truth be told, if the infertility treatments are going to land me in a mental institution, I probably should have a designated driver to take me there.
Listen I gotta go: I've got to get some gel. It's 98 humid degrees here and my hair's about to take over the neighborhood.