(Start with "Monday" if you can. You're headed for a three day week end. Why wait for the last minute to slack off?) So what were we talking about? Oh right. The fact that we all lose our minds just a little bit during infertility and its treatments. We're sad. We're angry. We're impatient. We're frustrated. We're stressed beyond stressed out. And someone must be to blame. (Not us. Clearly, not us.)
In yesterday's post, I tried to lay blame on my-- husband, partner in life, "So You Think You Can Dance" buddy, fellow fondler, groping chum...whatever title is politically correct this week. And I failed miserably.
As much as I'd have liked it to be, I realized that it's not his fault that I had to go through millions of tests, thousands of appointments, and endless hours of anxiety. But now I know whose fault it really is:
Society is to blame for everything bad: Drugs, child abuse, premarital sex, teenage sex, sex on the rides at Disneyland, plastic wrap that won't untwist, war, poverty, constipation, pollution, crocs, lousy schools, prostitution, thong underwear, NASCAR, the oil spill in the gulf, chin hair and tsunamis: So why not our infertility woes? (Stay tuned. If I can't pin it on them, I'll try hiphop music next.)
Look at TV. Look at magazines. Everyone wants us to be 5'10, 110 pounds and have kids. But not too many. I'm not sure what the acceptable societal limit is.
When the Octo-mom had hers, everyone went nuts. When the Duggars had their nineteenth or thirtieth or whatever they went really nuts.
But you definitely can't have "none". That's not allowed.
"Don't you want a baby? If you don't have one, you'll regret it. Like not going to your senior prom. Or college. Or not finishing college. Or not going back to college.
Or not taking that job. Or taking that other job.
Or not marrying that guy. Or marrying that guy.
Or moving. Or not moving sooner.
Or not becoming a nurse or a dancer or a methodist or a proctologist or a lacto-vegetarian. Mark my words: You'll regret it."
And you definitely aren't allowed to have only one child.
"What's the matter with you? Don't you want to give your child a sibling? You know what happens to only child /childs/children, don't you?"
"My husband's cousin's mother was an only child. She wasn't potty trained until high school and she ran off with a drummer when she was thirty-six."
And you can't have more than four kids; five only if you absolutely have to.
But at five, you're stretching it. (A pun of sorts.) People start to lose patience with you:
"Can you afford five children? Do you need five children? You know my taxes are paying for those children. Maybe you should buy a DVD. You really need something else to do in bed."
So, if society isn't responsible for our insanity, it's at least partly to blame for our infertility blahs, blues, and blechs.
Listen I gotta go. I want to have a big barbecue this weekend and I've got to go light a fire under my husband... So he'll get the barbecue ready...What did you think I meant?