So, for all of you out there preparing for that wonderful moment of someday being able to have a baby to name, all I have to say is: Don't blow it! In commemoration of World Contraception Day, here are some very basic rules to follow:
1) Nouns are not names:
"Susan" is a name. "Wood" is not. "Jeffrey" is a name. "Pencil" is not.
2) Anything that sounds even remotely like how the baby was conceived is not cute and will be even less cute if he/she grows up to be a lawyer, doctor, or stock broker:
"Accidenta", "Orgyra", "Drunkenstuporino"
3) Stripper/Drag Queen names are not cute:
"Pussy Willow", "Lady Chantilly", "Daisy Delight"
4) Apostrophes don't belong in names, especially in the middle of nowhere for no apparent reason:
"Da'vid", "Jo'Hanna", "Nan'cy"
5) Idiotic spellings are not allowed. And then, on top of it, getting pissed because we said it wrong...is REALLY not allowed.
"Mykill", "Staysee", "Genknufur"
"Hi, can I speak to Genk New Fur?"
"Her name is Jennifer!"
"No it isn't. What are you talking about? There's no "k" in Jennifer. I mean I've seen it spelled with one "n" instead of two and I think I've even seen it a few times with a "G" instead of a "J", but there's definitely no "k" in Jennifer. Did you consult a baby naming book before you named her or a dictionary or a relative or anything?"
If they get a recording contract, they can spell their names that way. But while they're a baby it's just ludacris...I mean ludicrous.
6) Don't add a letter to the daddy's name to make it a ridiculous-sounding girl's name: It looks like you're trying too hard to make the daddy like you.
"Marcusa", "Stevena", "Marvina"
I've heard all of those names on Maury during baby mama drama paternity tests...so that can't be good. It just can't.
7) Don't give all the kids the same name.
Obviously you're going to have to end up calling them different names anyway unless you manage to never have any of them in the same place at the same time.
Only George Foreman could ever get away with it. Let's face it: If your father was, ever in his lifetime, World Heavyweight Boxing Champion, he can pretty much call you whatever he damn pleases.
8) There are no numbers in names
(Those are license plates (or Prince albums) not children's names.)
And I'm sorry: For those out there who can't follow these few simple rules:
Remember "World Contraception Day": It's time to zip it, clip it, or dip it in cement.
I wonder if they'd like me to handle their marketing campaign.